I wanted to apologise…
I know I haven’t been around.
I know I haven’t been showing up the way I used to.
I know some days I didn’t have much to give.
I know so many of you gave up on me the way I was giving up on myself.
I know I only provided the bare minimum.
I know some things I shared weren’t very motivating or uplifting.
I know I haven’t written posts or shared videos or seemed very helpful.
I know I shared more about my struggles than things that can help you move forward to your own goals.
I know I didn’t practice what I preached, if I even preached it.
I know maybe you needed or wanted more from me and I couldn’t give it to you or you felt bad asking.
I am so sorry.
This time 12 months ago I was spiralling more than I ever have before. I started the process of getting help, of going through a marriage separation, navigating a new identity, feeling like a burden to those close to me, and everything that comes along with it. I wanted to die. I didn’t think I could get through it.
But here I am.
I did it.
I more than survived.
I am stronger.
I have challenges, and setbacks, yes, absolutely. Things can be hard. But it is a different hard. I chose a different hard.
But mostly, I feel reinvented.
It is true. Sometimes we need to breakdown to breakthrough. Sometimes we need to fall apart to rebuild better than ever.
The tools and ‘work’ I have done for the last 6 years may have taken a bit of a backseat. But they were still always there.
Sometimes we tell ourselves it was such a waste, or everything was for nothing, or we have gone so far backwards that it was pointless. Or we think we are a failure because we ‘should know better’ or ‘should do better’. We KNOW what we need to do. We know what helps us. We know the actions and steps that we can take that gives us more energy, a more positive mindset, a nicer self perception. We know all of that. But sometimes we just don’t. We just can’t.
But you know what?
One day a voice that you have heard before, an experience you have experienced before, a lesson you have learnt before, a light that you have felt shine before, a tool you have discovered or used before, slips through, quietly, silently, subtly. And it lives there in the back of your mind, small reminders, glimmers of hope. And slowly the tools and messages you have journeyed through in the past start making its way back to the forefront of your mind. And then you find yourself slowly doing a few tiny steps, becoming aware of a little bit of your own power, drawing on some of the tools and actions that lifts you back up.
The ‘work’ was never wasted.
It was always there.
And it will always be there.
Ready and waiting.
Sometimes we need to stop doing something to remind ourselves what a difference it can make.
Sometimes we fall down for a day, sometimes a week, sometimes a month, sometimes 6 months, sometimes 12 months, sometimes longer than that.
But there will be a time where your voice starts reminding you that you deserve to be happy, that you CAN be your ideal body weight, that you can do the things you dream of, that you can reach your goals, that your relationships can be filled with love, connection and excitement, that you can choose a new thought, a new belief, a new way.
And you creep forward again.
And you are hesitant at first…. almost waiting to fall apart, again.
And each time you get triggered, you question whether it is really possible for you.
But with each trigger, the tools in your belt are there in your greater awareness, and you remember a little more each time.
You take back your power, your control, your hope, your fierce commitment.
You choose you.
The real you.
The one underneath the ego, the mean girl voices, the lies, the judgements.
And it gets a little easier, and a lot brighter each time.
You forgive yourself and be more kind towards yourself each time.
You put your hand up and learn to be proud of your struggle, of what you have gone through, and believe that it was for a reason, and you are stronger because of it, and you are more uniquely beautiful.
Everything you have been through helps make you, you.
And that is where I am.
And I hope that, even though the last 12 months I may not have been what you needed, or what you wanted, as a personal trainer, a coach, a mentor, that you can draw a little bit of strength from seeing me get through it. That you can know and feel that my heart is still so passionate about supporting you.
And my mess continues to strengthen my message.
And I am a better coach because of it.
And it only sets my soul more on fire to help YOU realise all that you are and embrace the uniqueness of you.
So once again, I am so sorry if I have let you down in any way over the last 12 months to 2 years.
I am sorry if you needed more from me, and I couldn’t give it to you.
And to those reading this who have kept training alongside the – well below 100% – version of me – sent messages, flowers, hugs and checkins, I have cried tears of gratitude and overwhelm. It sounds extreme but you helped keep me alive.
It is because of you that I am here sending this email with so much love, passion and hope within me.
That ALF is coming back with more purpose, more coaching, and more passion to help you discover and live your best life.
P.S. If you missed my announcement the other day, I am delivering a special edition of my next level coaching program to my clients starting October 11. You can see more info here. It is free, and the only time it will be a part of normal group memberships. Whatever your goal, whatever your ‘why’, the collective support and energy is going to be priceless in helping you finish 2021 feeling confident and accepting where you are, excited for the future. You can also apply to join now.